Me and my crazy thoughts...

I don't even really know how to start this post because I'm having a hard time figuring this out in my head, let alone writing about it. But I'm going to give it a try because maybe it will help me make better sense of things.

It seems like I go from one end of the baby spectrum to the other. One minute I'm praying I don't get AF and the next I'm thinking that maybe this isn't such a good idea. Just last week I was hoping AF wouldn't show and I'd get a positive on a pregnancy stick. Now this week I'm having those thoughts again...will we have enough money, is it the right time, are we prepared, etc...so many thoughts.

Like last night I'm thinking about how I need to clean out the spare bedroom, so it can be a nursery when I'm pregnant, then I think how it needs new carpet, because a baby on that carpet? Ew. Then I think, well carpet cost money and we need to save money. Have we saved enough money? See. Snowball effect. I keep going on and on and on.

But then I look in the backseat of our car and wish there was a car seat there. Or I wonder what DH and my baby would look like and it gives me butterflies. And I see a baby in a store and wish that I had that.

I don't know if the good thoughts out way the bad ones. If the fact that I am so torn on the subject means that I'm just not ready. I'm driving DH nuts with this. He just wants me to make a decision because he claims he is happy either way. I have a feeling he is disappointed I'm back to having doubts again because last night when I brought it up, he waved his hand across his ear to pretend to block me out.

I can't help it that I feel this way. I've always been like this with big decisions. And this is a big decision, a major one, a life changing one. So I can't help but have doubts and worry, am I making the right decision?

We went to a work event last night. Our head of HR was there from Albany. He mentioned he had 5 kids. We were all talking about kids. There was only one person at the table besides us without kids and he is single. Anyways, they were joking that "see, you should wait to have kids". I don't remember what was said to have that statement made, I've heard it so many times before. And the head of HR points out that when that statement was made, my DH got this huge smile on his face. Later on he pointed out to DH that if I'm ready to have kids he should go for it. That the younger you have kids the better. His youngest is 8 and he pointed out that he'll be 64 when she is in high school. That its better to have them young so you aren't too old when they grow up. This was so nice to hear. Such a great change from, "well you are too young" and it kind of made me feel better about the whole thing. But not enough to worry about carpet...

I don't know. I'm back and forth. I was so looking forward to trying this month and being able to tell my dad on Father's Day that I was pregnant (if it happens). Part of me wonders if I should be waiting. But waiting for what? A magical moment that will never come? And I want this more then anything, I really do. I don't know, I just don't know...