Tuesday, June 30, 2009
This fear has just gotten worse as I get older. I avoid the doctor when I probably should go in fear he might need to draw blood. I shake nervously when the dentist comes in to see if I have any cavities out of fear I might need some novocaine. Its gotten to the point where just regular check ups have me nervous I might need to receive a needle of some kind.
Yesterday I had to have a cavity filled. I was nervous all weekend, nervous all day. Just because of that tiny pinch that only lasts a couple of minutes. I sat in the chair with my hands griping the seat, eyes shut tightly. I must have looked so childish. Of course I felt stupid after because it was in the end no big deal.
On the way home I couldn't help but think that I should be over this by now. Isn't this a fear that lies solely in that of a child? Not in one of an adult, a 26 year old woman who is trying to get pregnant. And therefore needles are a must. I tell myself that since the novocaine shot wasn't as bad as I thought it would be that getting blood drawn won't be that bad either. But no matter how often I tell myself this, I know that when the day comes, I will still be shaking and nervous the day before or better yet, days before. What doesn't help is I've never had blood drawn before and the worst part really is the unknown.
Everyone tells me that I'll do it, for my child. That I'll get to the point where it doesn't bother me anymore. Just a routine pinch. No big deal. I hope they are right. I hope I don't spend 9 months petrified of every little appointment. Every little needle. I don't think I could take it and I know I don't want to put that pressure on my unborn child.
Monday, June 22, 2009
On a happier note, as I've mentioned before, my MIL lives with us. And as I mentioned in the previous post, it has not been a good situation at all. Well, she just got a job at the beginning of this month and was just approved for low-income senior apartment! If all goes well she will move out the middle of July. We could not be happier. Just the thought of our little home being just to ourselves makes me smile from ear to ear. We have only had this house since October last year and she moved in about 2 weeks after we did. So its been...tiring...is the nice way to put it!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Approx. four more days till I find out if I'm pregnant this month.
Keeping my fingers crossed but I have a feeling it isn't going to happen. Although I did eat two granola bars this morning for breakfast and I'm still feeling kind of hungry. That is a first. But it could just be a coincidence.
I always read in to things right before I get my dear friend AF. Oh, I'm extra tired! Oh, I feel nauseous! Oh, I just ate two granola bars! All could be signs of something else or me over thinking but I always have that small twinge of hope.
It would be so great to be able to tell my dad on Father's Day that next Father's Day he'll be a grandfather as well. *Fingers Crossed, Praying Hard*
Friday, June 5, 2009
I'm always reading the message boards on JM and the women on there are always talking about "(#)DPO" which is the number of days past ovulation. Now I'm about to share TMI so stop now or read on if you dare...I think I o'd on the 2/3 of this month for a couple of days because of this. Told you it was TMI! Anyways, this did not happen last month so maybe I didn't ovulate? I don't know, I think that is possible, I think I heard that you can skip a month. I might need to consult the message boards on that one.
Anyways, so that would make me around 2-3DPO. When some women (rarely) notice the start of pregnancy symptoms. Now I was about to mark it up as more anxiety but then I thought, I don't really have anything to be anxious about today. It doesn't really feel like anxiety, I just feel blah. (I don't think I'm sick either because I'm fine otherwise)
We just went to the Chinese buffet for lunch. I haven't been eating that much lately (I'll be hungry but as soon as I start eating I'm like yuck, food) but I figured I'd give it a try. I felt like Chinese and I love the buffet.
We get there and I'm fine and then I start eating and yup, you guessed it, I'm not really hungry anymore. I got only about halfway through my plate. Not to mention after I started eating I'd think about eating the next thing on my plate and I'd think, oh no, I'm going to barf. I did not get sick and I was fine after a few bites of said food but still, not fun. Then we go to get ice cream and I'm thinking before I even start eating it, I'm going to puke if I eat this! I just felt so nauseous. I had a few bites and ate about half. Couldn't eat my fortune cookie either because it just tasted bad (DH said it did not).
I don't know. I'm probably just reading in to things like I always do. I think this every month we try and every month I'm disappointed when AF shows. Only time will tell I suppose!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
On top of the anxiety, depression set in last night. I felt like I still had AF haunting me. I spent the first 10 minutes before drifting off to sleep crying in DH's arms. I didn't quite know what my problem was/is. Everything, nothing. Its driving me crazy. I just want all these thoughts to go away. I just want to go back to bed. In my dreams none of it matters.
I was going to skip writing an entry today because I do feel so lousy but it looks like I'm ending up with one anyways. A bunch of nonsense but an entry nonetheless. Unfortunately there isn't much more to say so I think I'll wrap up here.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I told DH last night that I wanted to see Up! and he agreed. We have some movie tickets we got from one of our church school students so it won't even cost anything to go. Free movie? Even better. So we are going to go home and have dinner, go see Up! and then redeem my free coupon for ice cream at Cold Stone. I'm excited. Can you tell?
Wow this post is boring. I wanted to write about something good but I could not come up with a topic!
Ok, I don't want to just end this here and I hope she doesn't mind but I'm going to steal this MEME from Lacey she did last week I thought was really neat:
1. What is your current obsession? Definitely my iTouch
2. What are you wearing today? Black Capri's (way too cold for), pink shirt and DH's brown sweater because mine wasn't warm enough...that is so boring!
3. Why is today special? Like I said above because we are going to see Up! And free ice cream! From Cold Stone!
4. What would you like to learn to do? Hmm, this is hard. The last thing that I thought to myself, "I'd really like to know how to do that" was cake making/decorating like my sister and my mom can do. That and cutting vegetables/fruits like a fancy chef.
5. What is the last thing you bought? Well, if we are talking about just in general, then some groceries. If we are talking about fun stuff for myself, then my iTouch (although technically that was bought by hubby as a gift for me).
6. What are you listening to right now? Well, since I'm not really listening to anything because I'm at work I'll say the song stuck in my head right now is "I Do Not Hook Up" by Kelly Clarkson. I am not ashamed to say I love her and will be seeing her in concert in August.
7. What's your favorite season? Definitely summer and btw, where is it?
8. What's your most challenging goal right now? Making a baby and trying to be ok with making said baby.
9. What would you like to have in your hands right now? My iTouch, which is in the car being charged.
10. What would you like to get rid of? My constant worry of various things.
11. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would it be? Switzerland to visit my best friend. Or Sandals Ocho Rio in Jamaica where we went on our honeymoon.
12. If you had $150 what would you spend it on? A sewing machine! Which will be next big purchase.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Saturday morning I met my mom at my grandma's (her mother) house. Well, not her house but her boyfriend's/husband's? I'm not really sure if they are formally married or not. I don't really care for him though. (My grandpa, my mom's dad, died when I was a baby) But that is a story for another day.
Anyways, my mom goes there every third Saturday morning to clean and bath my grandma. She is in her 80's and has dementia. So she needs help with the little things and all her daughters are on a rotation. Well, I shouldn't say all, three of her five daughters.
Apparently my mom told my grandma about DH and I trying because it came up later on that morning. (I am of course, still having doubts. Not a surprise. We did still try once this weekend and I'm hoping to again tonight. Wow, ok, that is way too much information to tell the Internet. I'd retract that if I wasn't too lazy to go back and delete.) So I quickly blabbered on to my grandma about Pain! and Money! and...uh...I was basically trying to make excuses for why trying was a bad idea. Which I have been doing from day one and then I spend all morning googling "Dr. Seuss Nursery". I know, I have issues.
My dear, dear grandma responded saying that as far as pain goes "You'll do fine" and as for money? "The lord provides for those who need it. Why your grandpa and I had 6 kids and not enough money and look how they turned out? It was the best years of my life and I would go back and do it all over again in a second."
The pep talked helped. I still have those lingering doubts but the thought of putting my grandma's first great-grandchild in her arms helps make them just a little bit smaller.
Friday, May 29, 2009
A wireless router
A cable to hook it up in the car
Because...a couple of weeks ago we were at this Mexican place and the same wonderful, awesome DH left the car unlocked. And we suspect that while we were eating someone working at the restaurant went outside and stole both our brand new phones (and mine was purple! the shame), my iPod and the cable connector cord. Yeah. Not a fun day. So we have to use our old phones till our T-Mobile contract is up and then I begged DH to buy me an iTouch. Well, not really begged, more asked and he said yes! And that leads us all to today. With my pretty iTouch. Can you tell I'm just a little excited? It is the small things that amuse me, I swear.
Anyways, tonight we are supposed to go to a friend's birthday party. A friend who will be 25 I think? I probably should know this. And her mom is giving her a birthday party, with pizza. Uhm. This friend loves to be the center of attention though and there are about a million people going. Which means socializing and ugh...I'm so tired. I just want to go home, put on my pj's, play with my iTouch and maybe watch a movie or something. Instead I'll be dressed up (blah), eating free food (only good part), having to socialize (blah, blah) with people who will be getting drunk out of their minds. Which we will not be doing because A. Not interested and B. Who wants to spend hard earned cash on alcohol when we have it at home and there is so many other better things to buy with our money? And end rant. Sorry. I just really love my pj's...and my iTouch.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Dr. Seuss!!! I absolutely love Dr. Seuss. My dad taught me to read on Green Eggs and Ham and this would be perfect. Even DH loves it. I know the colors are kind of boyish but I think it would work for a girl too!
I've been tempted to buy it now because I'm afraid it will be gone when we go to make a nursery. Hopefully it'll still be there!
It seems like I go from one end of the baby spectrum to the other. One minute I'm praying I don't get AF and the next I'm thinking that maybe this isn't such a good idea. Just last week I was hoping AF wouldn't show and I'd get a positive on a pregnancy stick. Now this week I'm having those thoughts again...will we have enough money, is it the right time, are we prepared, etc...so many thoughts.
Like last night I'm thinking about how I need to clean out the spare bedroom, so it can be a nursery when I'm pregnant, then I think how it needs new carpet, because a baby on that carpet? Ew. Then I think, well carpet cost money and we need to save money. Have we saved enough money? See. Snowball effect. I keep going on and on and on.
But then I look in the backseat of our car and wish there was a car seat there. Or I wonder what DH and my baby would look like and it gives me butterflies. And I see a baby in a store and wish that I had that.
I don't know if the good thoughts out way the bad ones. If the fact that I am so torn on the subject means that I'm just not ready. I'm driving DH nuts with this. He just wants me to make a decision because he claims he is happy either way. I have a feeling he is disappointed I'm back to having doubts again because last night when I brought it up, he waved his hand across his ear to pretend to block me out.
I can't help it that I feel this way. I've always been like this with big decisions. And this is a big decision, a major one, a life changing one. So I can't help but have doubts and worry, am I making the right decision?
We went to a work event last night. Our head of HR was there from Albany. He mentioned he had 5 kids. We were all talking about kids. There was only one person at the table besides us without kids and he is single. Anyways, they were joking that "see, you should wait to have kids". I don't remember what was said to have that statement made, I've heard it so many times before. And the head of HR points out that when that statement was made, my DH got this huge smile on his face. Later on he pointed out to DH that if I'm ready to have kids he should go for it. That the younger you have kids the better. His youngest is 8 and he pointed out that he'll be 64 when she is in high school. That its better to have them young so you aren't too old when they grow up. This was so nice to hear. Such a great change from, "well you are too young" and it kind of made me feel better about the whole thing. But not enough to worry about carpet...
I don't know. I'm back and forth. I was so looking forward to trying this month and being able to tell my dad on Father's Day that I was pregnant (if it happens). Part of me wonders if I should be waiting. But waiting for what? A magical moment that will never come? And I want this more then anything, I really do. I don't know, I just don't know...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Anyways, this month we plan to erm, DTD, more often which will hopefully end in a positive pregnancy test! Which would be great! Because I would probably know just in time for Father's Day! What a great present for my dad! See my happiness and joy!
Ok, alright, there is that sarcasm again. But yesterday I was scaring myself with stories of episiotomies which I might add, I can't even pronounce. And it scared me silly about Labor and Childbirth again. Does my doctor approve of this? Does he only do them in emergency situations? I do not want someone cutting me down there unless its an emergency. Will he be ok with this? Also, Labor pains, not really for me. And needles, so many needles. I fear the dentist because of Novocain needles. How am I going to stand having my blood drawn so frequently?
I talked to DH about all of this and I think I scared him too! So that didn't really help much. Although it was cute to see how protective he gets about me.
I still want to try, sorry, not prevent but I'm a little scared again. I know this all needs to happen before I can have a wittle precious baby of my very own but still, cutting, my neathers. Ugh.
Also, I need to start taking my prenatals. Note to Self: Stop Procrastinating Women!!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Yet I still find myself checking ovulation dates and reading messages boards. Have you tried JM yet? Because man, that website is addicting. Lots of information to read and message boards to play on.
We actually TTC (not prevented, actually tried) last year around the beginning of summer for a few months. But then we found out we could get a house and things got crazy so we stopped. We decided we would try again at the end of this summer. Then I got thinking and planning and decided I wanted to try again now. But with those thoughts came the stress, the worry, the anxiety. So my husband said, why don't we just not prevent? And after one more spot of anxiety, that is what I decided we'd do.
Not to get all technical but AF reared her ugly head starting April 26 and we BD'd on May 3 and May 10 (I honestly don't know what is with us and Sundays, its very strange). Now I'm starting to wonder if we missed that glorious ovulating time this month and if I'm not really pregnant this month which I'm hoping for (surprisingly!). The disappointment of it not happening is surprising me as well and it makes me believe we made the right decision.
Figuring out when to BD and when I'm ovulating and such kind of defeats the purpose of not trying, you know? I mean not preventing is supposed to be just BD'ing when we feel like it and when it happens it happens. Trying is when you temp and chart and figure things out. And I just DO NOT want that stress.
Ugh I don't know, I'm all over the place. I just need to relax and see what happens. And hope that AF does not rear her ugly head again this month...
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Oh and play my Wii. Wii!!!!! Uhm...Sorry. We just got a Wii (Finally!) a couple of weeks ago. And boy did we get a Wii. Wii sports, Wii music, extra remotes, games for me, games for the hubby, gun for the hubby, charger for the remotes, Wii fit...you name it, we probably got it. Don't look at me like that. We had to do something exciting with our tax money. I mean roofs and siding and house repairs are just boring. (And apparently I am 5)
Anyways, last night I finally got around to playing the Wii fit. I had set up my account and everything but hadn't really played with it. And let me tell you, that game is a lot of fun. There is way more stuff to do then I thought. All I'm thinking about today is getting home to play!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I started up my twitter account today and the same thing, there was a post from back in 2007 (!) but nothing since then.
I guess this happens often in my life. I start various things...scrap booking, books, exercising...and then after a few days (weeks) they kind of just get set aside. Maybe that is my personality? That I get bored easily? I don't know if that is the person I want to be.
It happens in my professional life too. I'll start a new project or organize things a certain way and then, once again, it gets dropped.
I don't want to be like this. I want to start a project/idea and carry it through. I want to be that person who "does it all" and doesn't get bored two seconds later. But then there are a lot of things I'd like to change about myself. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who feels that way. I think this is a common trend with everyone. Or maybe its just me. Who knows?
I hate the fact that I'm lazy. I'll admit it, I've always been this way. Maybe this is why the boredom starts, I don't know. Not to say I'm lazy all the time. It really depends on what sparks my interest. So I guess it does relate with the boredom.
I was talking to my husband about how I hate the fact that I'm lazy about my appearance. I wait until the last possible second to roll my butt out of bed, just enough time to shower and get dressed. For a while I was doing my hair in the car! Just so I could have that extra 5 minutes of ZZZ's. Now I'm getting up early enough to pull my hair back in a ponytail in the house so I guess that is improvement. But like I told the hubby, I'd really like to be able to put make-up on and do my hair (not just pull it back, wet) and pull together a real snazzy outfit (although there isn't much to work with in my wardrobe). And he said, "then do it!" Easier said then done. This would mean I'd have to stop being lazy.
I remember last week we had a customer visit and I got all dressed up. Hair, make up, the works. I was getting so many compliments and people thought I'd cut my hair because I always. wear. it. in. a. PONYTAIL. Nope I said, I just actually, did my hair. Shocker!
Alright, enough of the criticizing. I'm depressing myself. On to happy thoughts...like iced coffees!!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
What I'm not looking forward to is leaving my puppy, Miley, for three days with the dreaded MIL. John's mother doesn't know how to follow rules and Miley needs rules. Puppies (just like kids) need rules. Its what keeps them safe. And I'm just afraid something bad will happen because she can't follow basic directions.
I asked my family if they would watch her to save me the stress but of course that is asking too much. It makes me sick knowing that they can't watch my pup for three days when I would do anything for them. Next time they need something from me like that though, they can look somewhere else.
Family always, always causes problems it seems. Someone starts a fight or lets someone down. It makes it hard to trust anyone anymore. You really see your family (especially your extended family) in a different light as you grow older. Everything is rainbows and roses when you're little and don't know any better. Then you grow up and see everyone's true colors. Its sad really. I wish I could see life through rose colored glasses forever. But we grow up and mature, the glasses become clear. Then the problems start. The depression starts. The hardships start. The responsibility. And most of all, the exhaustion. Ugh. I hate growing up.
So back to my exhaustion from today. There is always something to do all the time. Not only at home but at work too! It is so tiring, life is tiring. I hate getting ready for trips too. There is always so much to do. Just thinking about everything I have to do before we leave on Friday makes me...you guessed it, tired.
Wow, if anybody reads the two posts I have on this blog they'll think I'm a miserable person! I'm really not though. Just a lot going on right now. I am looking forward to this weekend. Spending time with John alone. I couldn't ask for anything better. I promise when I get back I'll have a happy post about the trip. Nothing like the depressing crap I've had these past two days. Between now and next Monday though? No promises.
Monday, January 19, 2009
She moved into our apartment because she obviously had nothing but a few belongings and some clothes. Now mind you, she had told John that her plan was to make it on her own here. Find a job and her own apartment. She knew that John had made a life for himself and that he just couldn't afford to have her stay with him forever. She was ok with that, she told him this many times. Well after a few months it was obvious that she didn't want to find a job. She had family in Florida and it was decided that she would go there a few months, get some experience and come back. Did she do that? Not really. She was off and on with jobs for months. Drove all the family and friends she had there away from her. And they sent her back. To us. In our brand new home. That we had just moved into. Two. measly. weeks. before.
And that brings us to current times. We set rules this time and had plans. We didn't want a repeat of what had happened before. What we didn't know was that it was going to be worse. You see, my MIL has it in her head that money grows on trees here. Like the sidewalks are paved in gold. (Which is what a lot of people think when they come to the US. But that is another topic that I won't dwell on today.) She thinks that her son needs to take care of her the rest of his life. That she can sit in her throne and watch tv while eating bon-bons all day and then have her son keep her entertained when he gets home at night. That weekends will be spend being the third wheel, or more like her DIL being the third wheel, going out to eat or to the movies. She wants to be head of our household and she wants me to take a seat in the back. And if you are thinking that this doesn't sound anything like what she "promised" back before my dear, dear hubby brought her here...you couldn't be more right.
But my MIL is very tricky (or so she thinks!). She will tell you anything she knows you want to hear just to get her way. She lies and she manipulates. She schemes and she plans. Then she turns around with a "poor me act" and tells everyone how great she is. She is a piece of work alright and it took my husband 22 years to realize it. I feel bad for him. I know this could have been prevented if we had a crystal ball to warn us of impending doom. But since there is no such thing, we are stuck.
This weekend John and his mother had two fights. Two major fights. The first one was heard by the dog and it was so bad that she cowered. The second one happened last night. You see, John's mom and dad are still technically married. They are separated though which is why she graces us with her presence. Towards the beginning of her second stay with us, she found out that she could apply for social security. She is 63 and married to a citizen so she would take her portion and run, basically. So free money, just as her little heart has desired all along. We know, that since she prefers the finer things in life, the social security will not be enough for her to life on her own. She needs a job too. And we have been trying, oh how we have been trying, to get her to find one. But she had pulled every scheme, every lie she can to get out of it. And we have read through everyone.
Well on Friday she got a letter stating that she was denied social security. Apparently she didn't turn in the right papers or something. She called the lady who has been helping her with this and she told her she needs a lawyer. Apparently there is some magical free lawyer that helps with such things. She of course wants my husband to find this magic lawyer. Which he doesn't know any more about then her and why can't she do it? (*cough*lazy*cough*). Anyways, this is where the first fight started. John argued that why is she fighting for this more then getting a job? Of course this made her angry and they stopped talking. The thing is, she wants this social security check so she has extra money and then she can leach off us still. So basically, she wants her cake and to eat it too. Which little does she know that this isn't going to happen. That if she is still living with us when she gets the social security we are going to take the check. She will get a portion for things she needs (bus fair, hair dye, shampoo, etc.) and the rest will be what she owes us for living with us. Rent free, free cable, free meals, free phone, etc. Which she is ungrateful for and does not even speak a word to me, let alone thank me for dinner every once in a while.
Then last night we got home from my parents' to hear her talking loudly to John's dad about 1. how she has no money and 2. trashing me. I was really mad. I told John to take her phone away. How dare she talk trash about me to John's dad (who already doesn't like me) on the phone we are paying for in our house? So this led to another fight and John telling her he was sending her back to Cuba.
After John got a breather, he went back to talk to her again. She of course pulled out all the stops but John didn't want to hear it. He made her listen to his side of the story. He basically told her he wasn't going to take anymore crap. That if he didn't see her trying to get a job then he would send her back. Which she doesn't want. And was not happy to here.
So I don't know what is going to happen. Its all very stressful and I just want my house back. I don't want her living with us anymore. I want her to do what she promised, to find a job and her own place. I want to be newlyweds again. And I don't want to be stuck in my bedroom every night just to have privacy.
Wow, that was quite the long rant for a first entry! I apologize, but it had to be done. I do feel better now. Time for lunch!