Fear of Needles

As long as I can remember, I've been afraid of needles. I remember one time I needed to get a shot when I was younger and I ran around the office. I had to be pinned down by multiple nurses in order for them to give me the shot.

This fear has just gotten worse as I get older. I avoid the doctor when I probably should go in fear he might need to draw blood. I shake nervously when the dentist comes in to see if I have any cavities out of fear I might need some novocaine. Its gotten to the point where just regular check ups have me nervous I might need to receive a needle of some kind.

Yesterday I had to have a cavity filled. I was nervous all weekend, nervous all day. Just because of that tiny pinch that only lasts a couple of minutes. I sat in the chair with my hands griping the seat, eyes shut tightly. I must have looked so childish. Of course I felt stupid after because it was in the end no big deal.

On the way home I couldn't help but think that I should be over this by now. Isn't this a fear that lies solely in that of a child? Not in one of an adult, a 26 year old woman who is trying to get pregnant. And therefore needles are a must. I tell myself that since the novocaine shot wasn't as bad as I thought it would be that getting blood drawn won't be that bad either. But no matter how often I tell myself this, I know that when the day comes, I will still be shaking and nervous the day before or better yet, days before. What doesn't help is I've never had blood drawn before and the worst part really is the unknown.

Everyone tells me that I'll do it, for my child. That I'll get to the point where it doesn't bother me anymore. Just a routine pinch. No big deal. I hope they are right. I hope I don't spend 9 months petrified of every little appointment. Every little needle. I don't think I could take it and I know I don't want to put that pressure on my unborn child.

Unfortunately I'm...

...not pregnant. Another month passed and AF showed her ugly head. DH was disappointed and of course so was I. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. We aren't exactly making much of an effort. Or maybe the powers that be just don't think its time yet. I don't know. We will try again (or not really try) this coming month of July and then we are going back to waiting a little bit. I don't want to be due the same month my sister will be getting married (May 2010) and the next couple of months will be pushing it too close. Getting pregnant in July is probably pushing it too close but still, one more month. This is exactly what happened last year. Its like dejavu all over again.

On a happier note, as I've mentioned before, my MIL lives with us. And as I mentioned in the previous post, it has not been a good situation at all. Well, she just got a job at the beginning of this month and was just approved for low-income senior apartment! If all goes well she will move out the middle of July. We could not be happier. Just the thought of our little home being just to ourselves makes me smile from ear to ear. We have only had this house since October last year and she moved in about 2 weeks after we did. So its been...tiring...is the nice way to put it!

Fingers Crossed

One more day till The Fray concert!

Approx. four more days till I find out if I'm pregnant this month.

Keeping my fingers crossed but I have a feeling it isn't going to happen. Although I did eat two granola bars this morning for breakfast and I'm still feeling kind of hungry. That is a first. But it could just be a coincidence.

I always read in to things right before I get my dear friend AF. Oh, I'm extra tired! Oh, I feel nauseous! Oh, I just ate two granola bars! All could be signs of something else or me over thinking but I always have that small twinge of hope.

It would be so great to be able to tell my dad on Father's Day that next Father's Day he'll be a grandfather as well. *Fingers Crossed, Praying Hard*

Anxiety or a sign of whats to come?

I'm still nauseous today. And I don't think its anxiety anymore.

I'm always reading the message boards on JM and the women on there are always talking about "(#)DPO" which is the number of days past ovulation. Now I'm about to share TMI so stop now or read on if you dare...I think I o'd on the 2/3 of this month for a couple of days because of this. Told you it was TMI! Anyways, this did not happen last month so maybe I didn't ovulate? I don't know, I think that is possible, I think I heard that you can skip a month. I might need to consult the message boards on that one.

Anyways, so that would make me around 2-3DPO. When some women (rarely) notice the start of pregnancy symptoms. Now I was about to mark it up as more anxiety but then I thought, I don't really have anything to be anxious about today. It doesn't really feel like anxiety, I just feel blah. (I don't think I'm sick either because I'm fine otherwise)

We just went to the Chinese buffet for lunch. I haven't been eating that much lately (I'll be hungry but as soon as I start eating I'm like yuck, food) but I figured I'd give it a try. I felt like Chinese and I love the buffet.

We get there and I'm fine and then I start eating and yup, you guessed it, I'm not really hungry anymore. I got only about halfway through my plate. Not to mention after I started eating I'd think about eating the next thing on my plate and I'd think, oh no, I'm going to barf. I did not get sick and I was fine after a few bites of said food but still, not fun. Then we go to get ice cream and I'm thinking before I even start eating it, I'm going to puke if I eat this! I just felt so nauseous. I had a few bites and ate about half. Couldn't eat my fortune cookie either because it just tasted bad (DH said it did not).

I don't know. I'm probably just reading in to things like I always do. I think this every month we try and every month I'm disappointed when AF shows. Only time will tell I suppose!

My head kind of hurts. I feel nauseous. The anxiety has set in full strong this month. Too much going on and without my Xanax I feel miserable 24/7. How could I go possibly 9+ months without it? How did I go on before?

On top of the anxiety, depression set in last night. I felt like I still had AF haunting me. I spent the first 10 minutes before drifting off to sleep crying in DH's arms. I didn't quite know what my problem was/is. Everything, nothing. Its driving me crazy. I just want all these thoughts to go away. I just want to go back to bed. In my dreams none of it matters.

I was going to skip writing an entry today because I do feel so lousy but it looks like I'm ending up with one anyways. A bunch of nonsense but an entry nonetheless. Unfortunately there isn't much more to say so I think I'll wrap up here.

Birthday Wishes

Today is my birthday. I am 26. Last year when I blew out the candles on my cake I wished for a baby. The year before that I wished for a baby. The year before that I wished John and I would get married. This year I'm actually trying for a baby and like the last two years I'm still married to my wonderful hubby. I'll probably wish for a baby again this year. And hopefully, this month it will finally come true.

Movies and MEMEs

Tonight we are going to see Up! in 3-D. I could not be more excited. I know, I'm a child. I love animated movies though, they are my favorite. The last one we saw in theater was Wall-E and I loved it. Now we own it. The next one we'll see after Up! is Ice Age because I love all those as well. And bonus, its in 3-D too.

I told DH last night that I wanted to see Up! and he agreed. We have some movie tickets we got from one of our church school students so it won't even cost anything to go. Free movie? Even better. So we are going to go home and have dinner, go see Up! and then redeem my free coupon for ice cream at Cold Stone. I'm excited. Can you tell?

Wow this post is boring. I wanted to write about something good but I could not come up with a topic!

Ok, I don't want to just end this here and I hope she doesn't mind but I'm going to steal this MEME from Lacey she did last week I thought was really neat:

1. What is your current obsession? Definitely my iTouch

2. What are you wearing today? Black Capri's (way too cold for), pink shirt and DH's brown sweater because mine wasn't warm enough...that is so boring!

3. Why is today special? Like I said above because we are going to see Up! And free ice cream! From Cold Stone!

4. What would you like to learn to do? Hmm, this is hard. The last thing that I thought to myself, "I'd really like to know how to do that" was cake making/decorating like my sister and my mom can do. That and cutting vegetables/fruits like a fancy chef.

5. What is the last thing you bought? Well, if we are talking about just in general, then some groceries. If we are talking about fun stuff for myself, then my iTouch (although technically that was bought by hubby as a gift for me).

6. What are you listening to right now? Well, since I'm not really listening to anything because I'm at work I'll say the song stuck in my head right now is "I Do Not Hook Up" by Kelly Clarkson. I am not ashamed to say I love her and will be seeing her in concert in August.

7. What's your favorite season? Definitely summer and btw, where is it?

8. What's your most challenging goal right now? Making a baby and trying to be ok with making said baby.

9. What would you like to have in your hands right now? My iTouch, which is in the car being charged.

10. What would you like to get rid of? My constant worry of various things.

11. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would it be? Switzerland to visit my best friend. Or Sandals Ocho Rio in Jamaica where we went on our honeymoon.

12. If you had $150 what would you spend it on? A sewing machine! Which will be next big purchase.

Grandma Knows Best

I had a good weekend overall. The party wasn't as bad as expected. I actually talked to my friend's boyfriend's sister most of the time and she was really nice! We chatted some about babies and it was nice to hear a 3rd party perspective.

Saturday morning I met my mom at my grandma's (her mother) house. Well, not her house but her boyfriend's/husband's? I'm not really sure if they are formally married or not. I don't really care for him though. (My grandpa, my mom's dad, died when I was a baby) But that is a story for another day.

Anyways, my mom goes there every third Saturday morning to clean and bath my grandma. She is in her 80's and has dementia. So she needs help with the little things and all her daughters are on a rotation. Well, I shouldn't say all, three of her five daughters.

Apparently my mom told my grandma about DH and I trying because it came up later on that morning. (I am of course, still having doubts. Not a surprise. We did still try once this weekend and I'm hoping to again tonight. Wow, ok, that is way too much information to tell the Internet. I'd retract that if I wasn't too lazy to go back and delete.) So I quickly blabbered on to my grandma about Pain! and Money! and...uh...I was basically trying to make excuses for why trying was a bad idea. Which I have been doing from day one and then I spend all morning googling "Dr. Seuss Nursery". I know, I have issues.

My dear, dear grandma responded saying that as far as pain goes "You'll do fine" and as for money? "The lord provides for those who need it. Why your grandpa and I had 6 kids and not enough money and look how they turned out? It was the best years of my life and I would go back and do it all over again in a second."

The pep talked helped. I still have those lingering doubts but the thought of putting my grandma's first great-grandchild in her arms helps make them just a little bit smaller.