Fingers Crossed

One more day till The Fray concert!

Approx. four more days till I find out if I'm pregnant this month.

Keeping my fingers crossed but I have a feeling it isn't going to happen. Although I did eat two granola bars this morning for breakfast and I'm still feeling kind of hungry. That is a first. But it could just be a coincidence.

I always read in to things right before I get my dear friend AF. Oh, I'm extra tired! Oh, I feel nauseous! Oh, I just ate two granola bars! All could be signs of something else or me over thinking but I always have that small twinge of hope.

It would be so great to be able to tell my dad on Father's Day that next Father's Day he'll be a grandfather as well. *Fingers Crossed, Praying Hard*

Anxiety or a sign of whats to come?

I'm still nauseous today. And I don't think its anxiety anymore.

I'm always reading the message boards on JM and the women on there are always talking about "(#)DPO" which is the number of days past ovulation. Now I'm about to share TMI so stop now or read on if you dare...I think I o'd on the 2/3 of this month for a couple of days because of this. Told you it was TMI! Anyways, this did not happen last month so maybe I didn't ovulate? I don't know, I think that is possible, I think I heard that you can skip a month. I might need to consult the message boards on that one.

Anyways, so that would make me around 2-3DPO. When some women (rarely) notice the start of pregnancy symptoms. Now I was about to mark it up as more anxiety but then I thought, I don't really have anything to be anxious about today. It doesn't really feel like anxiety, I just feel blah. (I don't think I'm sick either because I'm fine otherwise)

We just went to the Chinese buffet for lunch. I haven't been eating that much lately (I'll be hungry but as soon as I start eating I'm like yuck, food) but I figured I'd give it a try. I felt like Chinese and I love the buffet.

We get there and I'm fine and then I start eating and yup, you guessed it, I'm not really hungry anymore. I got only about halfway through my plate. Not to mention after I started eating I'd think about eating the next thing on my plate and I'd think, oh no, I'm going to barf. I did not get sick and I was fine after a few bites of said food but still, not fun. Then we go to get ice cream and I'm thinking before I even start eating it, I'm going to puke if I eat this! I just felt so nauseous. I had a few bites and ate about half. Couldn't eat my fortune cookie either because it just tasted bad (DH said it did not).

I don't know. I'm probably just reading in to things like I always do. I think this every month we try and every month I'm disappointed when AF shows. Only time will tell I suppose!

Grandma Knows Best

I had a good weekend overall. The party wasn't as bad as expected. I actually talked to my friend's boyfriend's sister most of the time and she was really nice! We chatted some about babies and it was nice to hear a 3rd party perspective.

Saturday morning I met my mom at my grandma's (her mother) house. Well, not her house but her boyfriend's/husband's? I'm not really sure if they are formally married or not. I don't really care for him though. (My grandpa, my mom's dad, died when I was a baby) But that is a story for another day.

Anyways, my mom goes there every third Saturday morning to clean and bath my grandma. She is in her 80's and has dementia. So she needs help with the little things and all her daughters are on a rotation. Well, I shouldn't say all, three of her five daughters.

Apparently my mom told my grandma about DH and I trying because it came up later on that morning. (I am of course, still having doubts. Not a surprise. We did still try once this weekend and I'm hoping to again tonight. Wow, ok, that is way too much information to tell the Internet. I'd retract that if I wasn't too lazy to go back and delete.) So I quickly blabbered on to my grandma about Pain! and Money! and...uh...I was basically trying to make excuses for why trying was a bad idea. Which I have been doing from day one and then I spend all morning googling "Dr. Seuss Nursery". I know, I have issues.

My dear, dear grandma responded saying that as far as pain goes "You'll do fine" and as for money? "The lord provides for those who need it. Why your grandpa and I had 6 kids and not enough money and look how they turned out? It was the best years of my life and I would go back and do it all over again in a second."

The pep talked helped. I still have those lingering doubts but the thought of putting my grandma's first great-grandchild in her arms helps make them just a little bit smaller.

Me and my crazy thoughts...

I don't even really know how to start this post because I'm having a hard time figuring this out in my head, let alone writing about it. But I'm going to give it a try because maybe it will help me make better sense of things.

It seems like I go from one end of the baby spectrum to the other. One minute I'm praying I don't get AF and the next I'm thinking that maybe this isn't such a good idea. Just last week I was hoping AF wouldn't show and I'd get a positive on a pregnancy stick. Now this week I'm having those thoughts again...will we have enough money, is it the right time, are we prepared, etc...so many thoughts.

Like last night I'm thinking about how I need to clean out the spare bedroom, so it can be a nursery when I'm pregnant, then I think how it needs new carpet, because a baby on that carpet? Ew. Then I think, well carpet cost money and we need to save money. Have we saved enough money? See. Snowball effect. I keep going on and on and on.

But then I look in the backseat of our car and wish there was a car seat there. Or I wonder what DH and my baby would look like and it gives me butterflies. And I see a baby in a store and wish that I had that.

I don't know if the good thoughts out way the bad ones. If the fact that I am so torn on the subject means that I'm just not ready. I'm driving DH nuts with this. He just wants me to make a decision because he claims he is happy either way. I have a feeling he is disappointed I'm back to having doubts again because last night when I brought it up, he waved his hand across his ear to pretend to block me out.

I can't help it that I feel this way. I've always been like this with big decisions. And this is a big decision, a major one, a life changing one. So I can't help but have doubts and worry, am I making the right decision?

We went to a work event last night. Our head of HR was there from Albany. He mentioned he had 5 kids. We were all talking about kids. There was only one person at the table besides us without kids and he is single. Anyways, they were joking that "see, you should wait to have kids". I don't remember what was said to have that statement made, I've heard it so many times before. And the head of HR points out that when that statement was made, my DH got this huge smile on his face. Later on he pointed out to DH that if I'm ready to have kids he should go for it. That the younger you have kids the better. His youngest is 8 and he pointed out that he'll be 64 when she is in high school. That its better to have them young so you aren't too old when they grow up. This was so nice to hear. Such a great change from, "well you are too young" and it kind of made me feel better about the whole thing. But not enough to worry about carpet...

I don't know. I'm back and forth. I was so looking forward to trying this month and being able to tell my dad on Father's Day that I was pregnant (if it happens). Part of me wonders if I should be waiting. But waiting for what? A magical moment that will never come? And I want this more then anything, I really do. I don't know, I just don't know...

TTC or NOT

I believe this blog will take a new direction now. Hubby and I are TTC, well, not really. We are just not preventing. We are leaving it in God's hands. We are trying not to stress about it. Which is exactly what I would do, if I actually came out and said we are TTC. So we are just not preventing.

Yet I still find myself checking ovulation dates and reading messages boards. Have you tried JM yet? Because man, that website is addicting. Lots of information to read and message boards to play on.

We actually TTC (not prevented, actually tried) last year around the beginning of summer for a few months. But then we found out we could get a house and things got crazy so we stopped. We decided we would try again at the end of this summer. Then I got thinking and planning and decided I wanted to try again now. But with those thoughts came the stress, the worry, the anxiety. So my husband said, why don't we just not prevent? And after one more spot of anxiety, that is what I decided we'd do.

Not to get all technical but AF reared her ugly head starting April 26 and we BD'd on May 3 and May 10 (I honestly don't know what is with us and Sundays, its very strange). Now I'm starting to wonder if we missed that glorious ovulating time this month and if I'm not really pregnant this month which I'm hoping for (surprisingly!). The disappointment of it not happening is surprising me as well and it makes me believe we made the right decision.

Figuring out when to BD and when I'm ovulating and such kind of defeats the purpose of not trying, you know? I mean not preventing is supposed to be just BD'ing when we feel like it and when it happens it happens. Trying is when you temp and chart and figure things out. And I just DO NOT want that stress.

Ugh I don't know, I'm all over the place. I just need to relax and see what happens. And hope that AF does not rear her ugly head again this month...